It seems like these days I just let life pass me by without leaving any mark on anything. I don’t use my planner anymore (too big to carry around) and I don’t even write in my diary and I don’t even update my personal blog.

That’s not good. That’s not how I want my life to be.

So this weekend I’m gonna pause, take a breath, and catch up with life. I’ll fill in the blank pages of my planner, jot down what I did, and attach bills, receipts and movie stubs that I have not yet managed to get organized. And plan in advance. The planner isn’t here to just sit around and absorb heat, you know.

Lazy ass bitch. Sighs.

It was Tuesday, second period. We were having Western Civilization class in a lecture room so huge it can really be called an assembly hall. It has about 400 seats. I dozed off because it was so boring, and then when I woke up I saw that a friend of mine, Kevin, who’s a Berkeley student coming home for New Year’s holidays, had texted me saying I should come to meet him that day at 1 pm, he brought my Kindle. I was so happy I could scream and my head could explode! After the class ended I hurriedly gathered my stuff and left the room, went down for lunch, to be ready to meet him.

When I got my Kindle I didn’t feel like going to the next class anymore. I hate this class — Intro Lang (whatever that stands for). So I cut class and went home. For the rest of the day I was the happiest girl in the world.

Until Wednesday morning.

On my way from home to the skytrain station I looked through my bag and noticed that my pencil bag was missing. I thought I’d left it in my locker the previous day, but I wasn’t sure, because I stopped by at a bookstore before I went home yesterday, and had to re-arrange the stuff in my bag because of the bulky Kindle. I recalled not seeing the pencil bag at that moment. So I thought I’d left it in the locker, or I must’ve lost it somewhere. I phoned my friend who shares my locker to see if it was in there. I was in the train then. She said no. I was like, cut it out, tell me the truth. She said she told the truth. I could feel myself turning pale. Where else could it be? I couldn’t possibly consider the thought that maybe I’d lost it. What was I going to do without it? It’s the reason I wanted to go to class after all!

When I got to the faculty I was panicking and crying like I’d lost a home. Though really, it did feel like losing a home. I looked in my locker. It wasn’t there. I was crying when my friends found me. It was 3 minutes before Translation class. It was obvious I was going to skip it. I was too upset. I told them I’d lost my pencil bag. Then one of them told me that in the beginning of the Intro Lang class on Tuesday, someone found a pencil bag, and brought it to the TA. He spoke through the microphone, holding the bag up, and asked if it belonged to anyone. No one came forward. And that was all she knew about my pencil bag. I said goodbye to them, they went to class. I went to find the TA. He wasn’t in yet, so I asked around for his number and called him. I asked whether he’d found it yesterday, he said yes, I asked where he put it, he said he put it on the professor table in front of the lecture classroom. In that friggin assembly hall of hell. I was somehow relieved because I didn’t think someone would want to steal a pencil bag. Then I went to that lecture room and found that it was in use, so I waited, waited, and waited for an hour. Then I decided I couldn’t wait anymore, so I walked through that door, said sorry to the professor in front of the class, and tried to find my pencil bag. Nothing was there.

The TA confirmed he put it there Tuesday evening when the class ended. Wednesday 10 am it wasn’t there anymore. I ran around looking for the maid stationed on that floor. Found her. Asked her. She didn’t see it. Now, let me tell you about the maids in my faculty. Everything they find, they return. They don’t take stuff. They don’t lie. What that meant was clear. It was stolen right after the class ended, just a few minutes before the maid came into the room to clean up. That only meant one thing. It was stolen by someone among my fellow faculty friends. I didn’t consider this at all. Why would someone do this? So I cried again desperately. I wanted it back. I wanted it. No, I needed it. I love it. Who could possibly have stolen it? I had no idea.

I spent the rest of the day being upset and crying at intervals. I was absent-minded the teachers were worried about me. Usually I’m their miss sunshine or whatever. That day I only stared at things, had a blank expression on my face, sniffed, sobbed, cried. I didn’t even bother to borrow some pens to take notes. I just didn’t care about anything anymore.

I’ve never given much thoughts about what my life would be like if I lost things closest to me. Things I take for granted because they are always there. Things like pencil bags. I’ve never considered that maybe I wouldn’t function without them. I was so careless. I’m not really the kind of person who forgets things. I guess I must’ve been really excited for the Kindle that day that I didn’t even bother checking my stuff, and really happy for the rest of the day that I didn’t even notice that my precious pencil bag was missing.

I really don’t know who to blame. Me or the thief.

Sure, my pencil bag was desirable. It was full to the brim of color pens and highlighters — all the things that made studying fun for me. But the thing I miss the most right now is the bag. It was the most perfect thing for me. Earlier in my life I’ve had lots of pencil cases and pencil bags, sure, but I always came back to this one. It was made for me. It was perfect. The size, the shape, the material it was made of that never seemed to get dirty even after 6 years of repetitve use. It was given to me by a publisher I was a crazy fan of. There was never anything like it. Now I lost it forever. I couldn’t find anything as perfect again.

I waited for it to be returned. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I checked the Lost And Found cabinet, the lecture room, and asked the maid for more update, several times a day. In case the thief decided to return it. I even made a post in my faculty Facebook group begging for it back on Wednesday. Thursday it didn’t show up. Friday it still didn’t show up. I filed for permission to see the security tape, just in case I could see something. One must not lose hope, right? There was no security camera in the classroom, which would have made things much simpler if there was one. There are two entrances to the room, one on the far left, and one on the far right. The camera for the right door has stopped working for sometime now. I saw the tape of the left-door camera. It was in an incredibly low quality. And I decided that the thief must have put my pencil bag in his/her bag already before leaving the room. Everyone rushed out of the room at the same time. I didn’t see anyone holding anything. Or let’s say I didn’t see anything that helped me at all. It was hopeless.

I guess you don’t believe how far someone would go to get her pencil bag back? Go ahead and laugh all you want. You won’t ever understand how much it means to me. I don’t expect you to. But don’t think that it’s just a pencil bag, and that I should stop being a loser and get over it already. You probably don’t understand. Not gonna change anything. It’s the loss of something special. It’s the only thing I find myself thinking about these days. On Friday I commented on that post I made in the faculty Facebook group, begging the thief to please return it to me. I even left my locker number, in case he/she didn’t want to face me directly. I’m still hoping to get it back after the New Year holidays. Two days to go. I know I shouldn’t be hoping, but I really can’t help it. I need it so much. I’m just so lost without it. I know it sounds silly but if it’s not such a big deal to me then I wouldn’t be wailing like this, would I? You’re not in my shoes, you don’t know what it’s like. I can only hope that the thief sees my posts and decides to do the right thing. My locker’s open. That’s about as far as I can possibly go to get it back. If this doesn’t work, then I’ll have to prepare to be hit by waves of grief, sadness, bitterness, anger, frustration, tears, hopelessness, desperation, for who knows how long, before recovery comes.

Even then, I really have no idea how I’m going to go on with my life. I’ve got used to it. I’ve got used to having it around when I needed it. And now that it’s gone forever… I’m already devastated and depressed as it is. I don’t want to think about what will happen when I stand right in front of my locker again.

I’m so scared to death.

All these days I’ve been sad about the pencil bag, and not happy about the Kindle, remember? And.. now I’m wondering if the Kindle was even worth it at all.

I’ve been away from this blog one whole month.. wow. That’s…………lame. I want to come back. But things have been happening a lot lately I don’t know where to start. I’ll come back properly when I do know how to start. Until then, I hope our 2012 is gonna be awesome!

It just came in the mail today. :-)

2. I have been writing/editing some book reviews. 

3. I’m failing a bit because I haven’t finished a book in three days. 

4. I’m hungry, and it’s midnight.

5. I’m getting worried about my weight right now. You see, I’ve been stuffing myself with food during the uni break, not giving any second thoughts. And now uni is coming real close and I just can’t bear to look at myself. 

6. I’m not going to work out. I hate it. 

7. I don’t know how to lose weight, okay? I’ve NEVER lost any weight EVER in my entire life.

8. I unlocked my Twitter account. I felt it’s time. It still feels so weird. The publishers want my Twitter account public. 

9. I received 2 approved galleys of unpublished books today. Haven’t started any. 

10. I can’t stop thinking about books. I want to shop again. 

This is what I’ve been listening to on repeat all day. I don’t know. I’m feeling a bit nostalgic, but it’s not that I’m anywhere but home, you know? I just miss stuff in the past, my life back then, etc.

So, as promised, I already made a post at my book blog to update my November book purchases. It’s extremely crazy, and I’m aware of that. I’m also trying to not buy anything else until the end of the month, which is going to be hard, but I’m trying, okay? I just really can’t stop.

So I got another Foer book, Eating Animals. And it was love at first sight, as usual, because it’s a Foer book. And then I came home and found that a few pages are kind of damaged. They are ripped, but not all the way, so they’re slightly jagged. I already contacted the bookstore and hopefully I can exchange it for a new one next week or so. Which increases the possibility of me buying more, because I will be in a bookstore. Ugh my life.

Yeah, my life. My life is full of big nothings lately. So that’s why I don’t really update anything. Basically, there’s nothing to talk about. I read all the time, or watch TV. I think you’ll be hearing more from me on my book blog than on here.

Oh jesus I just THOUGHT OF SOMETHING. Okay. Yesterday was my happy day. I finished Anna and The French Kiss in one day [see my review] and wham!  NEW FAVORITE BOOK. It was so cute I could die. And then I went surfing Facebook, right, and I checked my favorite bookstore page, and then I saw….

THAT I WON A COPY OF DIARY OF A WIMPY KID: CABIN FEVER that was released last week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeez. I was so happy I screamed. And jumped up and down. And screamed. And told my family. Ahahahahaha. Gosh. I’ve never won anything before, you know. Or maybe I have but don’t remember. Gosh, man. I won a book. There’s nothing I want more than that. I entered the contest last month. It was easy, I just had to answer what I think of Greg Heffley and why. Oh yeah. I love this Wimpy Kid series. I already sent the company my home address. Hopefully they won’t forget. Please ship it to me soon? I’m dying here.

Oh, last night I was reading authors’ blogs non-stop. I especially like Stephanie Perkins‘. Her way to becoming a published author is long and not easy. I read about that and I felt suddenly very inspired and motivated, and then I spent the night in bed thinking about the story I’m going to tell. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but yeah, I think I want to start it now, though I might suck. But I might not. I’ll just have to find out.

Sigh. My life isn’t easy anymore.

Heading for the first meal of the day at 3 pm, great. I’m starving.

This month, November, is so crazy. I’ll make a proper post about my book-shopping one of these days. Let’s just say that I’ve bought over 20 books since the beginning of the month. I know! It’s so crazy. But it’s something I can’t stop when I’m in bookshops.

And Mom even trusts me with her credit card. The thing is I don’t trust myself. And see what happened? This is a tragedy. I really think I should return her card, but the only thing keeping me from doing just that is this scene in my head where I’m in a bookstore and it offers really good discounts on books I want, only to find that I have no friggin’ cash with me. Yeah.. That’s a nightmare. And it had happened a lot of times before.

I really have nothing to say at this moment. I’ve been busy reading and watching TV and enjoying life 24/7 at home.

I seriously want to work in a bookstore. And I’m going to do that full-time for a year once I finish my bachelor’s degree. No kidding.

By the way, I just want to tell you that my “read-in-2011″ list just made it to 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go me!

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

It caught me so much off guard! I walked down the stairs and looked at a weird package on Mom’s desk and I saw my name and my head went numb and I realized… IT IS MY FRIGGIN BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh gosh. Such adrenaline. Yeah, so this package was shipped from Huahin on November 16th. Four days later and it’s here. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now for the rest (9 books), they’ll be here next week. Bad news is Lock And Key isn’t in perfect condition but there’s nothing I can do now. I want to kill the clerk. Jesus.

If I Stay is so pretty I can cry right now. I’m so overwhelmed. ;______________;

GUESS WHAT.

IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

This time it wasn’t If I Stay (which I asked about and found out that it’s already on its way and will arrive TOMORROW!♥), but it’s Lock And Key. I asked how that’s possible because I checked the stock already before ordering that there were 2 copies available, one at the flooded branch, another at a branch that’s still up and running. Of course, the copy at the flooded branch was out of the question, and there should be one left FOR ME. Then he said SOMEONE HAD ORDERED IT BEFORE ME. I was like HOW COULD THAT EVEN HAPPEN? NO ONE READS SARAH DESSEN HERE, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!! I was boiling mad. Why does this always happen to me? Then I asked him if he could take that book out of the order, he said he couldn’t because he had already confirmed payment with the bank of the credit card. THEN WHY DID YOU DO THAT BEFORE CHECKING IF EVERYTHING WAS FINE??????????????????????????? In reply, he just laughed. I felt like killing someone.

He suggested that I choose another title of the same price. I said, no, there was no other title. I’d ordered everything I wanted, if you couldn’t tell by the amount that was TEN. Another choice would be to wait for the flooded mall to open again, and search for a copy in the flooded branch. Okay, let me be clear, I keep calling it the flooded branch, but actually the shop isn’t flooded because it’s on the third floor, but the mall that it is in is flooded. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that the only copy left there in that flooded branch is in a good, and not crumpled condition. And let’s hope the mall opens soon. I’ve checked some sources and found that the flood in that area is already receding, though not as drastically as I want, but it’s receding. My source says it might open again this week. Gosh. Let’s hope so. Now, as a pessimist, I’m pretty sure nothing will work out as easily as I would want, so I’m going to come up with another title of the same price. In case the book is in an unacceptable condition, I will call the clerk, whom through our many contacts I got to know more intimately, and have the title changed. There should be no problem with having it changed as long as it’s of the same price.

I am so tired of wanting and not getting what I want.

PS. I want to know so much how it so happened that another person decided to order this book on the same day but at earlier time than I did. What a coincidence. UGH. If I’d done it last night I wouldn’t even have to deal with any of this. Why didn’t I, though? Oh right, because I wanted to make sure that If I Stay could be shipped from Hua Hin and would be in flawless condition, and to make sure, I had to contact the bookstore clerk in the friggin morning. And my morning couldn’t even be earlier than 11 am. UGHHHH. So much for If I Stay.

Sorry for all these rants. PMS attack.