202; obsessing over book binding

Hello.

Over the past few days I’ve been pretty obsessed with the various kinds of hardcover book binding  (glued, sewn, etc.). This is because I’ve recently ordered 6 of these Penguin Clothbound Classics.

* mouth waters*

A classics lover that I am, I really couldn’t help it! I don’t know what came over me. At first I only thought about getting a hardback edition of The Picture of Dorian Gray because I’d read it and adored it so much, and because I don’t currently own any copy of this precious gem. I went to a bookstore and saw this edition (the first picture — the one with the black cover) and was immediately enchanted. I was determined to get a copy real soon. And out of boredom, and because I didn’t want to go home to study just yet, I went to another bookstore. This one currently has a promotion for classics! It is so: for one month (until April 15) you can buy 3 classic books (every edition) and only have to pay for 2! There I discovered that there are actually a lot of titles in this Penguin Clothbound Classic series! Initially I wanted to buy 8 of them. But since this promotion only applies for 3 books (or 6, 9, 12) and because I’m currently shit broke, I was forced to cut out Middlemarch and Alice in Wonderland, both of which are absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous. It was a hard decision, but the only one which my financial situation allows.

Anyway.

You could say it was stupid of me to order these books impulsively without doing some research first, and I’d say you’re right. I was practically love-struck and failed to look beyond the beauty. It was after I’d phoned to reserve (which also means order, ’cause you can’t simply ask some bookstore to reserve 6 expensive books for you only to cancel the reservation later saying you don’t want them anymore goodbye) that I realized these books are published by PENGUIN UK. Oh my god. I’d failed to noticed! You know what this means? This means that these pretty hardbacks are GLUED and not STITCHED or SEWN. I nearly fainted. I just hate the way hardcover books are made in the UK. My Harry Potter series from Bloomsbury are also glued, and the book 5 spine has been falling apart. Apparently I’m no fan of UK hardbound books.

So I’ve been thinking if I really want to buy them. I mean, I can phone the bookstore and say I’d like to cancel the reservation. But do I want to? These books are the most gorgeous edition I’ve ever laid my eyes on! I know I’m being ridiculously shallow and superficial, but can you blame me? It’s true that I already own paperback editions of 5 of them (except for Dorian Gray), but I think I love them enough to want a pretty, long-lasting hardcover for each of them.

Now, “prettiness” is obviously there. But durability? Hmmmm… Ah! I hate glued hardcovers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why, oh, why, does Penguin UK have to be the one who publishes these beauties?

Moreover, there’s still another issue. As I was in the bookstore and have touched one of the book myself (it was Jane Eyre — which I have read and loved), I noticed that the paper is thick and will not bend, and the book is especially stiff. I mean, FRIGGIN’ STIFF. And every time I flipped a page, the book wouldn’t stay open (’cause the paper is thick and the spine is stiff), I could hear the spine crack a little. Okay, maybe it didn’t crack, but it was just so stiff that opening a page felt like cracking it. The point is: It made noise!!!!!!!! I thought it was a minor problem ’cause I can always condition the spine. Right now I’m not so sure, because the spine is GLUED!!!!!!!!! From personal experience, conditioning a glue-bound book is like deliberately trying to make it fall apart. Better to leave it be, in that case. There’s a huge risk of breaking it completely!

So I’m in an enormous dilemma right now. If I always have to worry about not breaking the spine, I’m pretty sure I won’t want to open a page. Then what’s the point of buying a book if you don’t even want to read it, for fear of breaking it? I’m not in the position to buy books purely for displaying, you see. But it’s so beautiful! I really don’t know what to do right now. The reservation still stands, though. I haven’t canceled it yet.

The question is: Is it worth it? Yes? No? I don’t know!

My chance at breaking a book spine is close to absolute zero. I’m a delicate and gentle person when it comes to handling books. I treat them as if they have feelings and are capable of feeling pain. For this reason I’m pretty sure I’ll never break the spine. But there’s also the problem with the glued binding. How long can it last? It has a much shorter life-span than the ones sewn together, I’m sure. The paper is another issue. I personally don’t like thick paper because it doesn’t stay open, and it’s a major cause of spine-breaking.

Considering these issues and personal dislikes along with the beauty and the joy of owning these books, are they worth it?

What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do?

It’s past 1 pm. I should really be studying.

I don’t have anyone to ask for advice. Among all the people in my life, I’m the one knows best about everything bookish. I have about a week to decide if I’ll buy them.

What to do? :’(

(I want them all!!!!!!!!!)

201; cramming

Study, study, study!

Finally I finished reading Ramayana part 6 yesterday! I’d been reading that one for over a week. Jeez. IT’S THAT LONG. For Thai Lit final exams we have to study 5 parts of Ramayana (1, 2, 3, 6, 7) and there’s only one left for me: 7! And there are also The Pilgrim Kamanita and Inao. I’ve decided to put part 7 and the other two books on hold right now, ’cause there are more important things to study and I don’t really care about Thai Lit class anyway.

Right now I’m on page 55 out of 103 of Die Ilse ist weg by Christine Nöstlinger for German class. I’ve read this one time already, and now I’m reading it again for a better understanding of the book and any details I might have missed the first time. The exam on this book will be TOMORROW, which is a fail ’cause I’ve been at it since 4 pm today and am only halfway through. 4 hours and only 55 pages. I actually expected this second read to go with a much faster pace and take less time, because it’s the SECOND time already. But obviously I’m no good at reading German. It still takes as much time as the first time around, if not more. This is really sad.

I’m going nowhere with my overall study at all, people. A lot of friends have proudly declared they have finished reading all the books for Thai Lit, while I’m sitting here sobbing and asking myself why I can’t read faster. Life sucks right now. Not to mention homework assignments and projects I haven’t managed to gather up the will to finish up and be done with them once and for all.

My plans went all wrong. As usual, I planned things in advance. On Friday I thought I had everything figured out when I laid down the plan for my weekend (this weekend). And it all fell apart because I kept getting distracted, and the weather’s not helping either. I literally can only sit and be a slug when the weather’s hot like this. Every move feels too much like an effort. Plus, my eyes keep drifting and I can’t keep my focus. So that’s what happens for the most part of day. Nothing has been accomplished. None.

And when evening kicks in, it’s just too late to catch up with everything that I have failed to do during the day. Right now I’m cramming like crazy and I’m sleepy as hell. There are still distractions but I can fight them better when the sun’s gone down.

Anyway, I just need to rant about studying. When it gets too much I just need to talk about it.

I just looked at the clock… I”ve been sitting here for 20 minutes already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH. There are really not enough hours in a day! By the time I’m done with this German book, it’ll already be midnight. I’m pretty sure. And I still haven’t finished Western Civ or edited my paper for Intro Lang class that’s due this Tuesday, or watched My Fair Lady as an assignment for the said class. *screams* T_________T. Gotta go!

200; favorite poem as of late

Where You Are by Mark Doty

2.  Everywhere

I thought I’d lost you.  But you said I’m imbued

in the fabric of things, the way
that wax lost from batik shapes
the pattern where the dye won’t take.
I make the space around you, 

and so allow you shape.  And always
you’ll feel the traces of that wax
soaked far into the weave:
the air around your gestures,

the silence after you speak.
That’s me, the slight wind between
your hand and what you’re reaching for;
chair and paper, book or cup:

that close, where I am:  between
where breath ends, air starts.

199; extremes

Wow. Talking about extreme procrastination. I almost forgot this blog existed. My bad. I’m sorry. I’ll try not to.

It seems like these days I just let life pass me by without leaving any mark on anything. I don’t use my planner anymore (too big to carry around) and I don’t even write in my diary and I don’t even update my personal blog.

That’s not good. That’s not how I want my life to be.

So this weekend I’m gonna pause, take a breath, and catch up with life. I’ll fill in the blank pages of my planner, jot down what I did, and attach bills, receipts and movie stubs that I have not yet managed to get organized. And plan in advance. The planner isn’t here to just sit around and absorb heat, you know.

Lazy ass bitch. Sighs.

198; i’m sorry i lost you

I’m so sad. I’ve been sad for a while now. Since Wednesday. So now my sadness  has been taking over me for five days in a row. And I feel like I have to write it down. Although I feel weird writing personal stuff after not having done so in a long while, I have to remind myself this is my personal blog after all.

It was Tuesday, second period. We were having Western Civilization class in a lecture room so huge it can really be called an assembly hall. It has about 400 seats. I dozed off because it was so boring, and then when I woke up I saw that a friend of mine, Kevin, who’s a Berkeley student coming home for New Year’s holidays, had texted me saying I should come to meet him that day at 1 pm, he brought my Kindle. I was so happy I could scream and my head could explode! After the class ended I hurriedly gathered my stuff and left the room, went down for lunch, to be ready to meet him.

When I got my Kindle I didn’t feel like going to the next class anymore. I hate this class — Intro Lang (whatever that stands for). So I cut class and went home. For the rest of the day I was the happiest girl in the world.

Until Wednesday morning.

On my way from home to the skytrain station I looked through my bag and noticed that my pencil bag was missing. I thought I’d left it in my locker the previous day, but I wasn’t sure, because I stopped by at a bookstore before I went home yesterday, and had to re-arrange the stuff in my bag because of the bulky Kindle. I recalled not seeing the pencil bag at that moment. So I thought I’d left it in the locker, or I must’ve lost it somewhere. I phoned my friend who shares my locker to see if it was in there. I was in the train then. She said no. I was like, cut it out, tell me the truth. She said she told the truth. I could feel myself turning pale. Where else could it be? I couldn’t possibly consider the thought that maybe I’d lost it. What was I going to do without it? It’s the reason I wanted to go to class after all!

When I got to the faculty I was panicking and crying like I’d lost a home. Though really, it did feel like losing a home. I looked in my locker. It wasn’t there. I was crying when my friends found me. It was 3 minutes before Translation class. It was obvious I was going to skip it. I was too upset. I told them I’d lost my pencil bag. Then one of them told me that in the beginning of the Intro Lang class on Tuesday, someone found a pencil bag, and brought it to the TA. He spoke through the microphone, holding the bag up, and asked if it belonged to anyone. No one came forward. And that was all she knew about my pencil bag. I said goodbye to them, they went to class. I went to find the TA. He wasn’t in yet, so I asked around for his number and called him. I asked whether he’d found it yesterday, he said yes, I asked where he put it, he said he put it on the professor table in front of the lecture classroom. In that friggin assembly hall of hell. I was somehow relieved because I didn’t think someone would want to steal a pencil bag. Then I went to that lecture room and found that it was in use, so I waited, waited, and waited for an hour. Then I decided I couldn’t wait anymore, so I walked through that door, said sorry to the professor in front of the class, and tried to find my pencil bag. Nothing was there.

The TA confirmed he put it there Tuesday evening when the class ended. Wednesday 10 am it wasn’t there anymore. I ran around looking for the maid stationed on that floor. Found her. Asked her. She didn’t see it. Now, let me tell you about the maids in my faculty. Everything they find, they return. They don’t take stuff. They don’t lie. What that meant was clear. It was stolen right after the class ended, just a few minutes before the maid came into the room to clean up. That only meant one thing. It was stolen by someone among my fellow faculty friends. I didn’t consider this at all. Why would someone do this? So I cried again desperately. I wanted it back. I wanted it. No, I needed it. I love it. Who could possibly have stolen it? I had no idea.

I spent the rest of the day being upset and crying at intervals. I was absent-minded the teachers were worried about me. Usually I’m their miss sunshine or whatever. That day I only stared at things, had a blank expression on my face, sniffed, sobbed, cried. I didn’t even bother to borrow some pens to take notes. I just didn’t care about anything anymore.

I’ve never given much thoughts about what my life would be like if I lost things closest to me. Things I take for granted because they are always there. Things like pencil bags. I’ve never considered that maybe I wouldn’t function without them. I was so careless. I’m not really the kind of person who forgets things. I guess I must’ve been really excited for the Kindle that day that I didn’t even bother checking my stuff, and really happy for the rest of the day that I didn’t even notice that my precious pencil bag was missing.

I really don’t know who to blame. Me or the thief.

Sure, my pencil bag was desirable. It was full to the brim of color pens and highlighters — all the things that made studying fun for me. But the thing I miss the most right now is the bag. It was the most perfect thing for me. Earlier in my life I’ve had lots of pencil cases and pencil bags, sure, but I always came back to this one. It was made for me. It was perfect. The size, the shape, the material it was made of that never seemed to get dirty even after 6 years of repetitve use. It was given to me by a publisher I was a crazy fan of. There was never anything like it. Now I lost it forever. I couldn’t find anything as perfect again.

I waited for it to be returned. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I checked the Lost And Found cabinet, the lecture room, and asked the maid for more update, several times a day. In case the thief decided to return it. I even made a post in my faculty Facebook group begging for it back on Wednesday. Thursday it didn’t show up. Friday it still didn’t show up. I filed for permission to see the security tape, just in case I could see something. One must not lose hope, right? There was no security camera in the classroom, which would have made things much simpler if there was one. There are two entrances to the room, one on the far left, and one on the far right. The camera for the right door has stopped working for sometime now. I saw the tape of the left-door camera. It was in an incredibly low quality. And I decided that the thief must have put my pencil bag in his/her bag already before leaving the room. Everyone rushed out of the room at the same time. I didn’t see anyone holding anything. Or let’s say I didn’t see anything that helped me at all. It was hopeless.

I guess you don’t believe how far someone would go to get her pencil bag back? Go ahead and laugh all you want. You won’t ever understand how much it means to me. I don’t expect you to. But don’t think that it’s just a pencil bag, and that I should stop being a loser and get over it already. You probably don’t understand. Not gonna change anything. It’s the loss of something special. It’s the only thing I find myself thinking about these days. On Friday I commented on that post I made in the faculty Facebook group, begging the thief to please return it to me. I even left my locker number, in case he/she didn’t want to face me directly. I’m still hoping to get it back after the New Year holidays. Two days to go. I know I shouldn’t be hoping, but I really can’t help it. I need it so much. I’m just so lost without it. I know it sounds silly but if it’s not such a big deal to me then I wouldn’t be wailing like this, would I? You’re not in my shoes, you don’t know what it’s like. I can only hope that the thief sees my posts and decides to do the right thing. My locker’s open. That’s about as far as I can possibly go to get it back. If this doesn’t work, then I’ll have to prepare to be hit by waves of grief, sadness, bitterness, anger, frustration, tears, hopelessness, desperation, for who knows how long, before recovery comes.

Even then, I really have no idea how I’m going to go on with my life. I’ve got used to it. I’ve got used to having it around when I needed it. And now that it’s gone forever… I’m already devastated and depressed as it is. I don’t want to think about what will happen when I stand right in front of my locker again.

I’m so scared to death.

All these days I’ve been sad about the pencil bag, and not happy about the Kindle, remember? And.. now I’m wondering if the Kindle was even worth it at all.