165; what i’ve missed

I was just watching the news on TV when world golf news came up.

I missed it. Golf.

The reporter mentioned something about John Casey. I remember him. Dad and I used to discuss him  about how he’s rather small but a hell of a great golfer. Then she mentioned Tiger Woods and my eyes lit up. Tiger isn’t just the ex-world’s-number-one. He is my childhood hero. I used to look up to him so much. We have a copy of his book. Dad taught me his impeccable swing, and anyone who’d seen me would say so. We adored him. He was the main topic of our golf discussion. Besides Ernie Els. And Phil Mickelson, the left-handed golfer Dad thought I could copy the swing from, me being left-handed myself (but I insisted on going against my nature and  playing golf right-handed anyway). And the ever-fashionable Ian Poulter. And mom’s favorite Sergio Garcia. And the forever legendary Jack Niklaus. And Vijay Singh. And Jim Furyk. And Padraig Harrington.

How well I remember those names. They’re burned into the back of my mind. They were what connected us together.

Oh, how golf used to be my life.

Watching golf programs alone have been painful since Dad went. But I’ve missed it so much. I miss it more and more. I want to see those names show up on the leaderboard again. How I wish I could yell, “Dad! Ernie Els just got an Eagle. He’s now leading with 13 Underpars!” or “Oh my god, Tiger just scored a Hole-in-one!” The ecstacy. The memories.

I want them back.

150; so keep it coming and the details quiet, she’s like a ghost that keeps you up all night

Recently I’ve been motivated to look back on April 30th. It was an amazing day. We had a 3-day trip or something at Huahin. We stayed up since the morning before, made it through the night, and fought our ways through the morning, and went home that day. It was brilliant. So many things happened, and as many came to an end. It was heartbreaking, but now it’s bittersweet to look back on all of that. It’s nice to believe.

I believe that this set of photos was taken roughly around 5.45 to 6.30 am. We’d had such a long, terrifying, memorable night together. And when things settled down we found it was almost morning and we didn’t want to go to bed anymore. I think I could write a whole essay describing everything in full details, and it still wouldn’t be enough. I came to love my friends after I had left more than I had when we’d been in secondary school together. So I’ll let these photos speak now.

104; I’m sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go, for my inability to hold on to the important things

I lost myself again.

083; photograph

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

035; back to the days, and i’ll remember you always

I’m walking down the memory lane again. It’s 1.11 am. I looked out the bedroom window and saw rows of houses and the dimly lit street with several cars. The sky is pitch black tonight. I see no trace of the moon.

About half an hour ago I had a missing fit. I created that term myself a moment ago. It’s like a laughing fit, where you can’t stop laughing; my missing fit is, in fact, when I think about people I have known in the course of my life and miss them, and can’t stop missing them until I hear something from them, which for some cases might never happen.

First I missed Denis, a Czechian a few years older than I am, next to whom I sat, and my work partner, during my 3-week classes in Germany, where we met, in 2009. Many months ago he decided to leave Facebook, I don’t remember exactly when. I hoped he would be back, for I knew no other way of contacting him. Today I just checked and found that he’s still gone, so I missed him, and looked for his email in the book where names and emails of the students in that scholarship course in Germany were listed, and emailed him. I’m hoping he still uses that email address and might reply.

Then Denis led me further into the memory lane. I thought about the most wonderful time of my life: my 3 weeks in Germany. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. There I met a lot of people from many countries, some I had never heard of before. It was a dream come true. I missed my Scottish roommate Lesley. She’s one special friend to me. I love her dearly. I even named my iPod after her, haha! And then there were all these little Indian boys I loved to play with. Dear little 5-year-old Philipp and his 3-year-old sister. He was a darling, always coming to me when he saw me in the lounge, always urging me to play with him, always walking every 5 or 6 steps and fell on his face and got up and laughed, always hiding from his mama under the stairs, always wearing SpongeBob t-shirts, always lovely. He must be almost 7 by now, and I’m wondering where he is and how he’s doing. I’m aware that I can never see him again, or I will, but neither I nor he will be able to recognize each other. It saddens me already to think about it. :(

You know good time flies fast. I could never forget this one person who made that summer so very unforgettable like it is. He was the best thing that happened in 2009. He was someone I loved so much. He was someone I let go of. Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons, ours was of no difference, though I admit I’d thought we could be the exception. He moved on after a big while, and I was glad he did, for I hated for him to be in the state he was, knowing it was because of me. I miss him every now and then, but there’s no regret. We keep contact. I’m glad it turned out like this. Most of all, I’m glad it happened. :)

The past is such a bittersweet thing. It’s nice to look back and believe. This clinging to the past can be really unhealthy for me. Like this, it kept me up until 2 am. It’s not like I don’t cherish the present, I do, but somehow I always find my thoughts wandering in retrospect. It keeps me sane, thinking about people I have met, loved, and lost, what I have learned, seen, and experienced. The past reminds me that my life wasn’t as boring as it is today, that I was there, and life existed. Memory is a tricky thing.

I’m sorry that I’m not writing well in this post, my head kind of started to stop functioning as it should (time for bed). I can’t produce each line as smoothly. It’s too much of a pain to try to continue, or even to edit what’s been written. Let’s leave it here. I don’t want to make more of a disgrace, lol.

I know I’m gonna see you again / But promise me that you won’t forget / Cause as long as you remember / A part of us will be together
So even when you’re fast asleep / Look for me inside your dreams / Keep believing in what we’re sharing / And even when I’m not there to tell you
I’ll, I’ll love you forever / Anytime that I can’t be where you are
Just close your eyes / And you’ll be here with me / Look to your heart / That’s where I’ll be / Just close your eyes/ Till your drifting away/
You’ll never be too far from me / If you close your eyes